Raw Data Saver

One afternoon, Joe went outside and found Gary standing on the roof of the garage. Since that seemed like a pretty cool place for a kid to be, Joe asked Gary how he got up on the roof. Gary pointed to a tree about fifteen feet from the garage and told Joe that he had climbed the tree, dangled from a branch, swung himself, and leaped over to the garage roof.

Determined to accomplish a similar feat, Joe promptly climbed up into the tree, reaching a level that was several feet higher than the garage roof, lowered himself from a branch and began swinging toward the garage. With a high flying effort, Joe got up enough momentum to make a try, and let go of the branch.

After hitting the ground about 10 feet from the garage,
and recovering his wind, Joe said “I didn’t make it.”
Gary looked down at Joe, still on his back, and said, “Hmmm. Oh, that’s right…I guess I must have climbed up the tree right here NEXT to the garage! I guess I forgot it was that one instead of the one you climbed. Sorry.”

As it turned out, Gary had plenty of time to make his escape before Joe could get to him for his little “mistake”.

Director of Software Concepts
BHO Technologists - LittleTek Center http://home.earthlink.net/~jdir

April 15th is the time of the year when Americans can communicate with their government. I cannot testify for anyone else, but I look forward to this marvelous opportunity and I am careful not to waste it. This year, for example, so much has happened to me since last year it took 15 single-spaced typed pages to include everything.

However, to be perfectly honest (and who’s perfect), I am a little disappointed. All the years I have included a personal letter in with my tax returns, I have yet to get a personal letter in return.

I’m beginning to think this is a one-way relationship and it wouldn’t take much for me to quit this correspondence entirely. Then what would my government think? How would they know what I’ve been up to all year long?

I am not one to complain, but filling out my income tax return seems to be getting more complicated each year. When I familiarize myself with the rules for one year, someone changes them the next year.

What could not be deducted last year can be this year; and what was not deductible last year I must pay twice. Why can’t someone in the government make up my mind and quit all this unnecessary fluctuation?

On April 16, each year, our government immediately destroys the tax books to keep them from falling into the hands of a foreign power. By “foreign,” I mean Canada.

Heaven help us if our neighbor north of the border ever got their hands on this information. Canadians are not usually known for their joviality, but once they see these books, the entire country would break out into uncontrollable laughter. Who knows what this would do to the delicate relationship now existing between the two countries.

Because of this important precaution, we need new tax laws each year.

Right after the New Year’s Eve party, someone in the Internal Revenue office asks his assistant to “bring me those tax books.” When informed there are no books, this same person (who shall remain nameless for obvious reasons) says to his assistant, “Bob, write me a new tax law book for this year and have it on my desk by 5 o’clock.”

This sets the wheels of government to whirling and by golly, by 5 o’clock that new tax law book is on the desk. The reason the tax laws differ from one year to the next is the assistant responsible for this is fired every year and a new one hired.

The only requirement for the assistant is that his name must be “Bob.”

I wish one year Bob would call me. It seems he has overlooked many legitimate deductions every year. I would like to submit some recommendations to be considered for next year.

First, I am not too happy with this April 15th deadline. I feel it is much too restrictive and rigid. What is so special about April 15 that our government should have such an apprehension about me missing this deadline? What is wrong with June 15? Or, September 22, for that matter?

I believe the IRS should be more understanding and practice a nonjudgmental attitude. After all, this is a new millennium calling for a new attitude on this whole business of taxes. They ought to trust me to send in my taxes whenever I’m ready, or remember.

There are some deductions I have never seen on the forms I have filled out and I have always wondered why. Let me list some:

Grandchildren have never been listed as a legitimate deduction. Does the IRS know just how expensive grandchildren are? My jellybean budget alone could finance a small third world country and I only have three grandchildren.

Pets have never been included as deductions. Pets have a marvelous role in enhancing our lives and giving us a good excuse to get out of the house and walk around the block.

Pet food is expensive, as any pet owner knows, not to mention those exorbitant veterinary bills. (Does my doghouse qualify as a home office? I spend a lot of time there so it should.)

Vacation is another overlooked item. Does the IRS think I am taking a vacation just for my health? Oh, yea. I am. Well, my health is important. Every dollar I spend on vacation should be deducted from my income and not be taxable, which would take a lot of stress off my next vacation.

Presents don’t tell me Christmas presents are not authentic tax-deductible considerations. If it were not for me buying all those Christmas presents the general economy of our country would go into a slump. Buying Christmas presents is the one thing I can do for my country and I should expect some compensation.

These are just a few suggestions I would make if left up to me.

There is no way I could get away with writing my own ticket for my personal income tax return. The government has set up rules and regulations to guide everyone.

Some people think they can write their own ticket when it comes to God, forgetting God has established rules and regulations that apply to everyone.

The Bible clearly says; “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.” (Proverbs 14:12 KJV.) And, “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6 KJV.)

European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.

Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.

During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.

The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, “This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?”

“I’m afraid so,” the British negotiator volunteered.

“Do you mind if I excuse myself?” he requested. “I must report this to our President!”

Then he ran with his Koran to call Iran.

“What? Another western cartoon that is insulting to Muslims?” President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad exploded. “Wait till the mighty mullahs I report to hear about this! Email me a copy right away!”

When the dutiful Ahmadinejad received it, he quickly printed it out and ran from mullah to mullah, as he often does, displaying the cartoon in his smiling, deferential way.

“What? A cartoon showing our sacred nuclear plants being blown up?” the mullah who ranks highest in the official order of the Muslim menagerie gasped.

“It looks that way,” the President said. “What should we do?

“If the Iranian people get wind of this,” the wise cleric noted, “they might realize how much danger our inflammatory policies are exposing them to.”

“We don’t want that to happen,” Ahmadinejad agreed.

“No, no, remember, never trust the average Iranian. We haven’t, in our farseeing wisdom, provided them with enough education. So they could turn on us.”

“But if the bombs go off, they might suspect something,” the President dared to suggest.

“And what happens if our own military gets wind of the cartoon?” the mullah speculated. “They could also suspect we’re exposing them to unnecessary danger.”

“And make a preemptive attempt to save their own lives,” President Ahmadinejad put forward. “That is, I regret to report, they could stage a coup.”

“So it seems, like it or not,” the mullah brooded, “we must respond to the cartoon.”

“Or, if you’ll excuse my frankness, we could all be gone with the wind.”

“No, no, my turban could fly off, and I can’t have that,” the cleric maintained. “Every child isn’t born with one for nothing. It’s Allah’s way of telling us always to wear one.” Then he reflected, “Anyway, after all these years, I forget what the top of my head looks like, and I don’t know how I’d react to seeing myself without it.”

“But I’ve defended our nuclear program so much, I sure could use a way to save face,” Ahmadinejad pleaded.

“No problem,” replied the mullah. “What if we have a cartoon drawn of you handing over an atom bomb to the Europeans, but with a nice big apologetic smile? Like first they make a joke; then we make a joke back?”

“I like it. I always wanted to be in my own cartoon.”

“And you can be. After all, you’re not Muhammad.”

“But where can I get a cartoon?” President Amadinejad wondered. “We just our leading cartoonist in jail for insulting the Turkish minority.”

The cleric considered the difficulty and then an inspiration sprouted under his darkened scalp. “Tell him if he draws it we’ll let him out of the clinker.”

“You are so wise, excellency,” the President replied. “I’ll call the jail right now.”

“No, no, go in person,” the mullah advised. “Then he can draw the cartoon while you’re there - ‘from the life,’ as infidel artists say.”

“Right again. It’s off to jail I go.” He rose and, as he turned to hurry off, exclaimed, “Allah, be praised! Being the President is one thing. But getting to be in a cartoon - even Muhammad can’t say that!”

“Excuse me,” the mullah said, somewhat taken aback by the allusion to Muhammad, and wagged his finger for Ahmadinejad to come closer. “You fail to understand, Mahmoud. The entire way you conduct yourself is, if you will excuse my advice, a cartoon. Be more serious, like me.” Then, pointing to his prized turban, he added, “And, by the way, it’s time you started wearing one of these sweaty delights yourself.”

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

As the new President comes into office in Mexico and now President Vincent Fox leaves office for riches due to connections; we may see a paradigm shift towards socialism or even communism? Think I am crazy?

Well consider some of the new guys speeches and how the crowds love him. Now then we all know that such governments often cause worse issues and this means that we may have more refugee type illegal immigration. Plus we all know and it is no secret that Mexico City will soon have a major Seismic Event like in 1985 and 20 million could lose their homes and 5 million could die.

Where will those people go as Mexico tries to rebuild again? To the United States of course; if we do not have enough border patrol, fences and we choose not to shoot them; well then here they will come.

But if millions are marching this way and we cannot turn them around we can see the clouds during Hurricane Season of Pacific Storms as the circulations move towards our borders and this will cause flooding out of the roads along the borders and all the areas surrounding so nothing; no people or vehicles can get through. Consider this in 2006.

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/